There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
