Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
then he tried to convert me to islam
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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