We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
