i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
