I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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