Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
