my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
