well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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