sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
