I'm so fucking centered right now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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