Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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