this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
