Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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