We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
