I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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