yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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