John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
