I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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