I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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