I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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