my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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