good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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