Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
