So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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