I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
