Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
