Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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