I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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