Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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