I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
