Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I did not marry a roomba.
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