YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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