Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
