my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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