So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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