tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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