if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
