I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
