do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
