You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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