Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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