The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
