what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
