This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
sarcasm needs its own font
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
