apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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