my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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