I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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