It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize