i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
