Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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