I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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