How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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