if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
a search helicopter?!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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