Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
