porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
