ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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