Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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